Happy 2nd Month To Me

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Obligatory picture of self first before my sob story.

This post is actually 5 days late. I resigned from my previous job at the end of March, so May 1 marks my second month of non-productivity. 

In my last post, I was happy, let me correct that, blissfully ecstatic, that I finally had my break. I was aware I’ll worry later on, but what I was not able to calculate was how long this inactivity would take. I predicted that this period will take about two months, but what I was not expecting is that my job hunting will be nil after this time frame.

In all honesty, I am lazy at this job hunting shiznit. Within these two months, I have looked at Jobstreet only about 5 times + I have asked a couple of friends to submit my resume to their companies. What caused this laziness? Whenever I open my account, the job postings barely get added to. The jobs there are either two things: I think I’m too good enough for that job, or I’m not good enough for that job. The problem with me is that I left my job because it’s not related to my degree, then, when I think I want to apply for a related job, I have this uneasy, strong suspicion that I won’t pass due to the exams. One year is a long time, and after working in a management job, how will my academically allergic brain remember all those concepts? I admit my resolve is not strong in this one, because I have the capacity to study again for those exams, but I’m not really willing to. I suddenly felt as if I want another management job again, because I feel as if I was at the top of my game at my previous job. Then why, in the first place, did I resign?

I analyze my dumb as fuck brain and my fuck as dumb heart. Why did I leave? The stress? The too long overtime hours? The anger for the inequality between campers and agency workers?  I could travel there—my workmates love traveling. I love the people there—I couldn’t ask for more regarding that subject. I love my bosses—they praise me, they praise my efforts. But I still wanted to leave. Why?

Within these two months, I only had one interview. It was a company I really wanted to enter. I think that the work is challenging, the environment competitive, the compensation beyond expectations. I thought I had an edge due to my past experience, but the company did not contact me back. I actually wish they’d email me that, “Sorry Ms. Clarice, but you are incompetent, you didn’t even understand that Reading Comprehension paragraph, you twit,” so I can just get over this fucking position. I even wanted to take an MBA in case I get accepted.I planned that far. <rant> What is it with companies that can’t even email their applicants that they will not be accepting them? Just tell them that it’s over so they can move on already. It’s common courtesy. How rude. </rant> Anyway, what broke me most is that I previously thought that I had an advantage due to my previous work, but several applications (well, they’re not that many) later and no results, I’m starting to wonder why no one wants me. 

That’s why I actually felt better when a professor from a Korean university replied to me when I applied for a scholarship for graduate studies. It was an act based on a whim, a passing fancy. But yes, finally, someone wanted me!♥ Someone actually thinks I can be useful! But I still have second thoughts about this. Firstly, do I really want to study again? I could have sworn this was not even in my life plans a month ago. Secondly, I first thought that I could apply for only a Master’s, but just when I was almost finished preparing my requirements, I learned that they only accept Integrated Master’s/PhD students. This is tricky, since as stated in reason #1, I didn’t even plan this, this studying thing. 2 years is a short time, I can still enter the industry after finishing the degree, but 5 years is like taking all my youth away, my road to the industry, and sealing my fate to the academe. Will I even get rich with this scheme? Will I be able to infiltrate jobs in Korea after, in the industry? Thirdly, well, the allowance is a bit low if I’m going to consider the cost of living in Korea. I tried researching on the net and I have someone’s finally going to get her dream sexy body if she’s thinking she wants to save, party, travel, visit home once in a while, and send money to her family. And lastly, how will I be able play with my niece if I leave? Huhuhuhu. /wrist

By the way, my main responsibility for every waking moment lately is playing with my one-month old niece. She’s adorable!:> She smiled a lot today. ♥

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:3

*Ehem* Anyway, I wish I had a life advisor, someone who could point me to the right directions to the career that’s right for me. Being a useless person for two months has made me lose my confidence and sight of my future again. I did not even lose weight. Plus I am so bored, I want to bug my friends all the time, but hell, they have work and I don’t. So this is what it feels when you’re on the other side of the productivity bar. I used to have no time for my friends too before, so I try not to be too pathetic in front of them. I even drew some comics based on my spirit animal of the day! Started it this week.

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Sometimes I think I’m hilarious. But just in case you didn’t get it, the second creature is a dinosaur. OUT OF THE TIMES. Ha-ha. Gettit?

Also had time to practice my drawing a bit. Of course it’s not a masterpiece, but here, please see Princess Serenity.:>

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Serenity is not something I have right now.

Before, I use to gripe about how no one loves me romantically, now I gripe how no one loves me professionally. /otherwrist

Comments
The Loss of my Tumblr URLs (and Job)

Konnichiwa everyone!:) Hehe though I’m pretty sure almost no one remembers me. Hi. :3 I was once clameryl and hollachikka, urls I deeply loved but lost because I thought I can get them back. It’s foolishness at its best. I actually made this mistake eons ago, but completely forgot to talk about it ( “=__=). Must be because my tumblr is already gathering dust. It’s also just like me to pick new atrocious names. If you’re not of the same descent as me, then you probably don’t know that the words appended after my name are fish. Yep. FISH. WHY NEMO, WHY. I want to change them but ahhh, it’s too troublesome for me. I’d have to change the links indicated in my very few online hangouts.

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Aside from my Tumblr URL, I also have no work!:D I RESIGNED! I AM A CONFIDENT WOMAN WHO THINKS SOMEONE WILL HIRE ME AGAIN! (/silently weeping, trashing about, this is a lie) I have yet to know if this is a good idea, to resign without any back up plan, but so far I’m still enjoying my new found freedom. Aside from dieting and working out for our end March Boracay trip, watching anime, and reading manga, I have no other plans in life. The pains and worries will haunt me by midweek, I guess. So while they’re not yet there, I’ll just be the useless person I dreamed to be when I was 6 feet under work.

Hey, I bought a BMO sweater. I’m one happy gal.

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I’m even thinking of blogging about anime and manga again.:D I just totally saturated myself with Working!! and Bleach within my first week of vacation (surprisingly, I’m up to date with several ongoing anime: HxH 2011, Kuroko no Basuke, D-Frag!, Nisekoi, Onee-chan ga Kita!, Tonari no Seki-kun and Sekai Seifuku). And if I get thinner I’ll cosplay. Such is my life dream.

It’s been a while since I had a happy post here.

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Of Getting Rich and Having Fabulous Babies with a Fabulous Man

Last week I felt as if I was pretty much swept away by a big tidal wave I like to call the future. It’s hard to make decisions when you have no clearer life goal in sight than “get rich and have fabulous babies with a fabulous man.”

I’ve looked back at my past (like five seconds ago) and I’ve realized that my life is, to summarize, just a pile of what the hells. What the hell, I’ll just throw this skirt on with this blazer since they have similar colors. What the hell, if he doesn’t want to then let him be. What the hell, I’ll pick this course because I’m pretty okay at chemistry and math but wait what is engineering idek. What the hell, I’ll just say yes because my friend said yes. What else am I supposed to expect from a life resulting from what the hells? Of course a life of what the hells. It’s a 22-year old habit. I can’t break it as fast as I want to. I can’t even stay on a diet for more than a week. But the fact is I need to make a decision, and I need to make it as soon as possible. I live in the forever fear that I’m wasting my time on something that won’t contribute to my future.

I envy people with goals and guts.

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Blood

I think it’s quite peculiar how my body feels when I’m livid with anger. It’s as if I can feel the blood rushing through my veins, taking sharp turns at the joints, building up somewhere along my head. It’s as if my emotions merge with my blood—they rush endlessly, in never ending circulation, in high velocity due to the high pressure. Or that’s what I percept the one hour I’m wasting away trying to calm down: an eternity.

Comments

Hi everyone. I&#8217;ve been gone for so long, right? The last time I posted I was wallowing in tears due to fright that I won&#8217;t pass my board exam. But here&#8217;s the good news (which is undoubtedly long overdue)! I PASSED!=&gt; I am now a licensed chemical engineer! It was insane! The board exam week was the worst week of my life. I was still reviewing on the week itself, even losing substantial sleep trying to cram information into my brain and desperately trying to recall what I have already reviewed. The second day, I bawled like a child right after I got out of the examination room (that story spread like wild fire). But I passed. Heaven knows that what got me through is 50% luck. Yes, I studied a lot, but the board exam was&#8230; truthfully, ridiculous.
Anyway, moving on, I already have a job. That&#8217;s News#2. The onslaught of changes in my life has left me dumbstruck. In my first interview experience, I was hired on the spot. Within a week I have already started and settled in a new apartment. I&#8217;m nearing one month on the job and I still can&#8217;t comprehend how I feel; I can&#8217;t recover from the shock. I don&#8217;t know if I hate where I am now, or it&#8217;s just that I miss my old life. I&#8230; don&#8217;t know. I feel like leaving but I can&#8217;t be rash. You can&#8217;t correct rashly made mistakes by making rashly made decisions. In my mind, there&#8217;s this strong wish that an unfortunate decision will be made upon me&#8212;to save me the trouble of deciding. I don&#8217;t know where I want to go, but I have an inkling that this is not where I want to be. Is this why I studied for 5 years, to land a job that has nothing to do with my field? I want a proper training, not having big responsibilities thrust into me unprepared. Yes, the credentials and the experience can do me lots of good, but I just can&#8217;t settle down. I&#8217;m always nervous. I&#8217;m developing a phobia against my bosses, and nothing has even happened yet! I&#8217;m going to have a break down. 
Someone enlighten me.
Or love me. Lovelifepls.
When will I have a blog post where I seem genuinely happy? This place is a breeding ground for depression.  

Hi everyone. I’ve been gone for so long, right? The last time I posted I was wallowing in tears due to fright that I won’t pass my board exam. But here’s the good news (which is undoubtedly long overdue)! I PASSED!=> I am now a licensed chemical engineer! It was insane! The board exam week was the worst week of my life. I was still reviewing on the week itself, even losing substantial sleep trying to cram information into my brain and desperately trying to recall what I have already reviewed. The second day, I bawled like a child right after I got out of the examination room (that story spread like wild fire). But I passed. Heaven knows that what got me through is 50% luck. Yes, I studied a lot, but the board exam was… truthfully, ridiculous.

Anyway, moving on, I already have a job. That’s News#2. The onslaught of changes in my life has left me dumbstruck. In my first interview experience, I was hired on the spot. Within a week I have already started and settled in a new apartment. I’m nearing one month on the job and I still can’t comprehend how I feel; I can’t recover from the shock. I don’t know if I hate where I am now, or it’s just that I miss my old life. I… don’t know. I feel like leaving but I can’t be rash. You can’t correct rashly made mistakes by making rashly made decisions. In my mind, there’s this strong wish that an unfortunate decision will be made upon me—to save me the trouble of deciding. I don’t know where I want to go, but I have an inkling that this is not where I want to be. Is this why I studied for 5 years, to land a job that has nothing to do with my field? I want a proper training, not having big responsibilities thrust into me unprepared. Yes, the credentials and the experience can do me lots of good, but I just can’t settle down. I’m always nervous. I’m developing a phobia against my bosses, and nothing has even happened yet! I’m going to have a break down. 

Someone enlighten me.

Or love me. Lovelifepls.

When will I have a blog post where I seem genuinely happy? This place is a breeding ground for depression.  

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